“Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.” ('The Family: A Proclamation to the World,' Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102)
D&C 50:10 “And now come, saith the Lord, [..] and let us reason together, that ye may understand.”
Alma 37:37 “Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.”
Matt 18:20 “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”
I have been asked to discuss the topic of Family Councils today. “Councils in the Church follow a divine pattern at every level, from the Council of the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles to stake, ward, branch, quorum, and other leadership councils. “The most basic council of the Church,” said President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985), is the family council.”i
D&C 50:10 “And now come, saith the Lord, [..] and let us reason together, that ye may understand.”
Alma 37:37 “Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.”
Matt 18:20 “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”
I have been asked to discuss the topic of Family Councils today. “Councils in the Church follow a divine pattern at every level, from the Council of the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles to stake, ward, branch, quorum, and other leadership councils. “The most basic council of the Church,” said President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985), is the family council.”i
“Let us remember that the basic council of the Church is the family council. Fathers and mothers should apply diligently the principles I have discussed in their relationships with each other and with their children. In doing so, our homes can become a heaven on earth.”ii
“Like other councils, the family council can be a positive, causative force in the lives of Church members. It can help bring order to the home, provide a forum for soothing hurt feelings, give parents an important tool with which to combat outside influences, and create an opportunity to teach profound gospel truths. But like other councils, the family council will be effective only to the extent that it is properly formed and implemented. Indeed, the principles that govern family councils are basically the same as the principles that govern Church councils. Their overall objective is identical. We want for our families the same thing Heavenly Father desires for His family: “immortality and eternal life” (Moses 1:39). We want to develop loving relationships that will extend beyond this life. . . .
“. . . Parents are missing valuable insight and inspiration if they choose not to give due consideration to the ideas their children bring to the family council. Remember, although children never have the right to be disrespectful to their parents, they are entitled to be heard. They need a calm setting where discussion can take place on rules or principles they do not understand—a place where they know they are loved and at which their voice will at least be heard. Family councils are ideal forums for effective communication to take place. Family rules and procedures are more likely to be accepted and followed if all family members have been given the opportunity to participate in the discussions and agree to the rules.
(M. Russell Ballard, Counseling with Our Councils (Revised Edition), [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2012], p. 157, 164–65.)
Pamphlet: Our Family (c. 1980 LDS): “Holding Family Councils and Private Interviews - The family council is the most basic council of the Church. Under the direction of the father and the mother, this council can meet to discuss family problems, work out finances, make plans, support and strengthen family members, and pray for one another and for the family unit. Most importantly, this council should set goals that will help each member to achieve exaltation. This council should meet whenever a need exists. You may want to hold a meeting each Sunday. An atmosphere of listening, honest communication, and respect for the opinions and feelings of others is vital to the success of these meetings.”iii
In his First Presidency message of Jan 1982 entitled “Therefore I Was Taught” President Kimball wrote: “It is the divine role of parents to teach the truths of the gospel to their children. Consequently, we recently asked that this statement be read in all our sacrament meetings: [remember: this was back in 1982] 'The First Presidency frequently emphasizes the importance of weekly family home evenings as a prime opportunity for parents to teach and strengthen their families. In addition to family gospel study on Sundays, Monday nights are reserved for family home evening, which may include instruction in gospel principles, love, and harmony, and may include other family activities.'” and later in the same message, that: “A true Latter-day Saint home is a haven against the storms and struggles of life. Spirituality is born and nurtured by daily prayer, scripture study, home gospel discussions and related activities, home evenings, family councils, working and playing together, serving each other, and sharing the gospel with those around us. Spirituality is also nurtured in our actions of patience, kindness, and forgiveness toward each other and in our applying gospel principles in the family circle. Home is where we become experts and scholars in gospel righteousness, learning and living gospel truths together.” and “Concerning the governing of our families, we have been correctly taught that the family council is the most basic council of the Church. Under the direction of the father and mother, who should also counsel together, family councils may discuss family matters, discuss family finances, make plans, and support and strengthen family members.”iv
I presume these teachings are not a surprise to you, like they were (somewhat) to me despite being repeated every so often for us. I suppose I was in attendance at many meetings and subsequent lessons where these subjects have been taught. I had ears to hear but don't remember hearing. I am certain I would have read that First Presidency message in Jan 1982. I recall hearing the start about daily prayer and scripture study and the end part about sharing the gospel .. it was just all that middle part I seemed to have forgotten about. Repetition brings conviction: It read: “Spirituality is born and nurtured by daily prayer, scripture study, home gospel discussions and related activities, home evenings, family councils, working and playing together, serving each other, and sharing the gospel with those around us.”
I also presume that I attended and listened to the broadcast of general conference in Apr 1979, just a few months before my Jun 1979 marriage to my good wife. About that time she was engaged in serious wedding preparations and I was working hard to help pay for same. I recently took occasion to listen to that conference again and now notice that this subject was referenced in detail in within the General Welfare Session of that conference in talks by Tanner, Benson, Brown and McConkie.v
What is a Council? As this part was written a bit before my birth, I can be excused by stating that I probably only watched it from the pre-existance, but in Oct 1953 at that conference Elder Stephen L Richards said: “Now, I don't know that it is possible for any organization to succeed in the Church under the priesthood without adopting the genius of our Church government. What is that? As [Elder Richards] conceives it, the genius of our Church government is government through councils. The Council of the Presidency, the Council of the Twelve, the Council of the Stake Presidency, or quorum, if you choose to use that word, the Council of the Bishopric, and the quorum of Council of the Quorum Presidency. [He continues, saying:] I have had enough experience to know the value of councils. Hardly a day passes but that I see the wisdom, God's wisdom, in creating councils: to govern his Kingdom. In the spirit under which we labor, men can get together with seemingly divergent views and far different backgrounds, and under the operation of that spirit, by counselling together, they can arrive at an accord, and that accord, (the occasions are so negligible as not to be mentioned) and therefore I say that accord is always right. That accord represents the wisdom of the council, acting under the Spirit.”vi
Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught that “family councils are ideal forums for effective communication to take place.” They are, he explained, a time to “talk about the needs of the family and the needs of individual members of the family, … solve problems, make family decisions, [and] plan day-to-day and long-range family activities and goals.”
Councils (or quorums) are the 'genius of our church government'. A quorum (or council) is but a group of people ordained or endowed with priesthood authority, and organized to act together as a body. In the same way, the family as the basic unit of the church can be thought of as a kind of quorum or council. The head of that family leads by counselling, with the children, with the spouse, and with the Lord.
Although given originally about the building of a temple, a scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants casts further light on what can be accomplished in family councils: “Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God;” (D&C 88:119).
There is a second principle cited in the Doctrine and Covenants which applies to all councils in Church government [including family councils] where it says: D&C 107:27, 30-31 “The decisions of these quorums [or councils] . . . are to be made in all righteousness, in holiness, and lowliness of heart, meekness and long suffering, and in faith, and virtue, and knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness, brotherly kindness and charity; [..] Because the promise is, if these things abound in them they shall not be unfruitful in the knowledge of the Lord.”
What is family council, how does it work and what does it look like? Elder Ballard addresses this again for us in his most recent (Apr 2016) conference talk. You should read it .. but basically he talks about at least four types of family councils: 1) a council with the entire family, 2) with spouses, 3) parents and one child, or 4) a one-on-one family council consisting of one parent and one child, plus variations as needed with extended family: with grandparents, children and grandchildren, or non-family members such as roommates or friends.
Families come in all shapes and sizes, but even in the case of a family unit of one, we are taught to counsel with the Lord in all that we do. “Yea, humble yourselves, and continue in prayer unto him. Cry unto him when ye are in your fields, yea, over all your flocks [..] in your houses, [..] over all your household, [..] against your enemies and the devil [..] over the crops [..] and the flocks of your fields [..] for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you.” (Alma 34:19-27). This we know as prayer, but could be considered to be a form, an essential form, of counselling in the home – a one-on-one family council of a Loving Father with you, his son or daughter. Pray individually, as well as 'as couples', 'with children' and 'as a family'.
Alma 37:37 “Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.”
Matt 18:20 “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”
“When should a family council be held? "There are no set guidelines on how often a family should meet together. Family councils should be held often enough to meet the needs of the individual family, but not so often that they become meaningless. Some families have a council every week after family home evening. Others hold them every Sunday or on fast Sunday, and still others hold them [only] when there is a special need" ("Handbook for Families: Working Together in Family Councils," Ensign, Feb. 1985, p. 28).vii It has been my experience, that progress will correspond with the frequency of your meetings. If you wish to improve annually, hold an annual meeting. To improve monthly, meet monthly. But to improve more frequently, meet more frequently.
And finally, here are some practical principles and suggestions we can apply to our family councils, which I have distilled from a recent (Jan 2015) Ensign article:viii
A family council that is patterned after the councils in heaven, filled with Christlike love, and guided by the Lord’s Spirit will help us to protect our family from distractions that can steal our precious time together and protect us from the evils of the world. Family councils can increase unity; communication, spirituality, and love among family members.
I submit that many of us have been holding our family council meetings somewhat informally and sporadically. We are encouraged to now consider making them happen on a more formal and frequent basis. If you have not been holding family councils, start now. If you feel you need to improve the quality or regularity of these councils, start now.
May our Heavenly Father bless all of our families as we counsel together is my humble prayer in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, amen.
Endnotes:
i https://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-spencer-w-kimball/chapter-19?lang=eng#24-36500_000_023 Priesthood Manual: Teachings of the Presidents of the Church – President Spencer W Kimball
ii https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1994/04/counseling-with-our-councils?lang=eng Counseling with Our Councils M. Russell Ballard Apr 1994
iii https://www.lds.org/bc/content/shared/content/english/pdf/language-materials/33405_eng.pdf?lang=eng Pamphlet: Our Family (c. 1980 LDS)
iv https://www.lds.org/ensign/1982/01/therefore-i-was-taught?lang=eng First Presidency Message President Spencer W Kimball Jan 1982
v https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1979/04?lang=eng various, General Welfare Sesson Conference Apr 1979
vi http://scriptures.byu.edu/gettalk.php?ID=674 Stephen L Richards, Conference Report, October 1953, pp. 85-87
vii https://www.lds.org/bc/content/shared/content/english/pdf/service/serving-in-the-church/relief-society/RS-SG4-FamilyCouncils-eng.pdf RS Manual, Family Councils
viii https://www.lds.org/liahona/2015/01/young-adults/counsel-together-oft-family-councils-for-couples?lang=eng#footnote4-12561_000_029 Counsel Together Oft: Family Councils for Couples by Nichole Eck
ix https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/family-councils?lang=eng Family Councils M. Russell Ballard Apr 2016
“Like other councils, the family council can be a positive, causative force in the lives of Church members. It can help bring order to the home, provide a forum for soothing hurt feelings, give parents an important tool with which to combat outside influences, and create an opportunity to teach profound gospel truths. But like other councils, the family council will be effective only to the extent that it is properly formed and implemented. Indeed, the principles that govern family councils are basically the same as the principles that govern Church councils. Their overall objective is identical. We want for our families the same thing Heavenly Father desires for His family: “immortality and eternal life” (Moses 1:39). We want to develop loving relationships that will extend beyond this life. . . .
“. . . Parents are missing valuable insight and inspiration if they choose not to give due consideration to the ideas their children bring to the family council. Remember, although children never have the right to be disrespectful to their parents, they are entitled to be heard. They need a calm setting where discussion can take place on rules or principles they do not understand—a place where they know they are loved and at which their voice will at least be heard. Family councils are ideal forums for effective communication to take place. Family rules and procedures are more likely to be accepted and followed if all family members have been given the opportunity to participate in the discussions and agree to the rules.
(M. Russell Ballard, Counseling with Our Councils (Revised Edition), [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2012], p. 157, 164–65.)
Pamphlet: Our Family (c. 1980 LDS): “Holding Family Councils and Private Interviews - The family council is the most basic council of the Church. Under the direction of the father and the mother, this council can meet to discuss family problems, work out finances, make plans, support and strengthen family members, and pray for one another and for the family unit. Most importantly, this council should set goals that will help each member to achieve exaltation. This council should meet whenever a need exists. You may want to hold a meeting each Sunday. An atmosphere of listening, honest communication, and respect for the opinions and feelings of others is vital to the success of these meetings.”iii
In his First Presidency message of Jan 1982 entitled “Therefore I Was Taught” President Kimball wrote: “It is the divine role of parents to teach the truths of the gospel to their children. Consequently, we recently asked that this statement be read in all our sacrament meetings: [remember: this was back in 1982] 'The First Presidency frequently emphasizes the importance of weekly family home evenings as a prime opportunity for parents to teach and strengthen their families. In addition to family gospel study on Sundays, Monday nights are reserved for family home evening, which may include instruction in gospel principles, love, and harmony, and may include other family activities.'” and later in the same message, that: “A true Latter-day Saint home is a haven against the storms and struggles of life. Spirituality is born and nurtured by daily prayer, scripture study, home gospel discussions and related activities, home evenings, family councils, working and playing together, serving each other, and sharing the gospel with those around us. Spirituality is also nurtured in our actions of patience, kindness, and forgiveness toward each other and in our applying gospel principles in the family circle. Home is where we become experts and scholars in gospel righteousness, learning and living gospel truths together.” and “Concerning the governing of our families, we have been correctly taught that the family council is the most basic council of the Church. Under the direction of the father and mother, who should also counsel together, family councils may discuss family matters, discuss family finances, make plans, and support and strengthen family members.”iv
I presume these teachings are not a surprise to you, like they were (somewhat) to me despite being repeated every so often for us. I suppose I was in attendance at many meetings and subsequent lessons where these subjects have been taught. I had ears to hear but don't remember hearing. I am certain I would have read that First Presidency message in Jan 1982. I recall hearing the start about daily prayer and scripture study and the end part about sharing the gospel .. it was just all that middle part I seemed to have forgotten about. Repetition brings conviction: It read: “Spirituality is born and nurtured by daily prayer, scripture study, home gospel discussions and related activities, home evenings, family councils, working and playing together, serving each other, and sharing the gospel with those around us.”
I also presume that I attended and listened to the broadcast of general conference in Apr 1979, just a few months before my Jun 1979 marriage to my good wife. About that time she was engaged in serious wedding preparations and I was working hard to help pay for same. I recently took occasion to listen to that conference again and now notice that this subject was referenced in detail in within the General Welfare Session of that conference in talks by Tanner, Benson, Brown and McConkie.v
What is a Council? As this part was written a bit before my birth, I can be excused by stating that I probably only watched it from the pre-existance, but in Oct 1953 at that conference Elder Stephen L Richards said: “Now, I don't know that it is possible for any organization to succeed in the Church under the priesthood without adopting the genius of our Church government. What is that? As [Elder Richards] conceives it, the genius of our Church government is government through councils. The Council of the Presidency, the Council of the Twelve, the Council of the Stake Presidency, or quorum, if you choose to use that word, the Council of the Bishopric, and the quorum of Council of the Quorum Presidency. [He continues, saying:] I have had enough experience to know the value of councils. Hardly a day passes but that I see the wisdom, God's wisdom, in creating councils: to govern his Kingdom. In the spirit under which we labor, men can get together with seemingly divergent views and far different backgrounds, and under the operation of that spirit, by counselling together, they can arrive at an accord, and that accord, (the occasions are so negligible as not to be mentioned) and therefore I say that accord is always right. That accord represents the wisdom of the council, acting under the Spirit.”vi
Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught that “family councils are ideal forums for effective communication to take place.” They are, he explained, a time to “talk about the needs of the family and the needs of individual members of the family, … solve problems, make family decisions, [and] plan day-to-day and long-range family activities and goals.”
Councils (or quorums) are the 'genius of our church government'. A quorum (or council) is but a group of people ordained or endowed with priesthood authority, and organized to act together as a body. In the same way, the family as the basic unit of the church can be thought of as a kind of quorum or council. The head of that family leads by counselling, with the children, with the spouse, and with the Lord.
Although given originally about the building of a temple, a scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants casts further light on what can be accomplished in family councils: “Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God;” (D&C 88:119).
There is a second principle cited in the Doctrine and Covenants which applies to all councils in Church government [including family councils] where it says: D&C 107:27, 30-31 “The decisions of these quorums [or councils] . . . are to be made in all righteousness, in holiness, and lowliness of heart, meekness and long suffering, and in faith, and virtue, and knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness, brotherly kindness and charity; [..] Because the promise is, if these things abound in them they shall not be unfruitful in the knowledge of the Lord.”
What is family council, how does it work and what does it look like? Elder Ballard addresses this again for us in his most recent (Apr 2016) conference talk. You should read it .. but basically he talks about at least four types of family councils: 1) a council with the entire family, 2) with spouses, 3) parents and one child, or 4) a one-on-one family council consisting of one parent and one child, plus variations as needed with extended family: with grandparents, children and grandchildren, or non-family members such as roommates or friends.
Families come in all shapes and sizes, but even in the case of a family unit of one, we are taught to counsel with the Lord in all that we do. “Yea, humble yourselves, and continue in prayer unto him. Cry unto him when ye are in your fields, yea, over all your flocks [..] in your houses, [..] over all your household, [..] against your enemies and the devil [..] over the crops [..] and the flocks of your fields [..] for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you.” (Alma 34:19-27). This we know as prayer, but could be considered to be a form, an essential form, of counselling in the home – a one-on-one family council of a Loving Father with you, his son or daughter. Pray individually, as well as 'as couples', 'with children' and 'as a family'.
Alma 37:37 “Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.”
Matt 18:20 “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”
“When should a family council be held? "There are no set guidelines on how often a family should meet together. Family councils should be held often enough to meet the needs of the individual family, but not so often that they become meaningless. Some families have a council every week after family home evening. Others hold them every Sunday or on fast Sunday, and still others hold them [only] when there is a special need" ("Handbook for Families: Working Together in Family Councils," Ensign, Feb. 1985, p. 28).vii It has been my experience, that progress will correspond with the frequency of your meetings. If you wish to improve annually, hold an annual meeting. To improve monthly, meet monthly. But to improve more frequently, meet more frequently.
And finally, here are some practical principles and suggestions we can apply to our family councils, which I have distilled from a recent (Jan 2015) Ensign article:viii
- Start with Prayer - “When communication with Heavenly Father breaks down, communication between spouses [and everyone else] also breaks down.” His Spirit can guide our discussions and help foster good feelings and good communication.
- Decide Together - “Consensus of the council members must be obtained, through prayer and discussion, to achieve that unity which is prerequisite to the Lord’s help.” Family members propose possible solutions to problems and discuss them. Humbly listen to their input. This helps us understand each others points of view. In family councils, we reach our important decisions “by divine consensus, not by compromise.” You may not be able to achieve this unity on every issue immediately. It may take several councils and sincere prayer but “if you will confer in council as you are expected to do, God will give you solutions to the problems that confront you.”
- Evaluate Yourself - “Why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?” (Matthew 7:3). You only have the power to change one person: yourself. Focus on that.
- Talk about the Hard Stuff - “Every family has problems and challenges. But successful families try to work together toward solutions instead of resorting to criticism and contention.” Open and honest communication within a family council can help soften strong feelings. A family council can act as an appropriate and comfortable forum to bring up concerns or to ask for help. Focus on solutions. Be humble. Share love for your family and remind each other that you are working together to build a happy, eternal family.
- Keep Positive - If you only call family councils “in times of stress … and never to recognize … achievements or to compliment [family members] and show your love to them, then they will learn to dread family councils.” Celebrate individual achievements, express gratitude for others strengths or acts of service.
- Persevere - “Do the best you can and try to improve each day. When imperfections appear, keep trying to correct them. Be forgiving of flaws in ourselves and among those we love.”
A family council that is patterned after the councils in heaven, filled with Christlike love, and guided by the Lord’s Spirit will help us to protect our family from distractions that can steal our precious time together and protect us from the evils of the world. Family councils can increase unity; communication, spirituality, and love among family members.
I submit that many of us have been holding our family council meetings somewhat informally and sporadically. We are encouraged to now consider making them happen on a more formal and frequent basis. If you have not been holding family councils, start now. If you feel you need to improve the quality or regularity of these councils, start now.
May our Heavenly Father bless all of our families as we counsel together is my humble prayer in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, amen.
Endnotes:
i https://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-spencer-w-kimball/chapter-19?lang=eng#24-36500_000_023 Priesthood Manual: Teachings of the Presidents of the Church – President Spencer W Kimball
ii https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1994/04/counseling-with-our-councils?lang=eng Counseling with Our Councils M. Russell Ballard Apr 1994
iii https://www.lds.org/bc/content/shared/content/english/pdf/language-materials/33405_eng.pdf?lang=eng Pamphlet: Our Family (c. 1980 LDS)
iv https://www.lds.org/ensign/1982/01/therefore-i-was-taught?lang=eng First Presidency Message President Spencer W Kimball Jan 1982
v https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1979/04?lang=eng various, General Welfare Sesson Conference Apr 1979
vi http://scriptures.byu.edu/gettalk.php?ID=674 Stephen L Richards, Conference Report, October 1953, pp. 85-87
vii https://www.lds.org/bc/content/shared/content/english/pdf/service/serving-in-the-church/relief-society/RS-SG4-FamilyCouncils-eng.pdf RS Manual, Family Councils
viii https://www.lds.org/liahona/2015/01/young-adults/counsel-together-oft-family-councils-for-couples?lang=eng#footnote4-12561_000_029 Counsel Together Oft: Family Councils for Couples by Nichole Eck
ix https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/family-councils?lang=eng Family Councils M. Russell Ballard Apr 2016
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